Blog Posts

Co-Parenting Blog Part Two - Tips from professionals around the country

5/11/2015

For this blog, I wanted to follow up on my co-parenting blog that I posted in March, 2015 with another blog filled with co-parenting tips. My original blog can be found here. I reached out to some of my amazing colleagues from around the country and asked them to share their top tips! I’ve included what each person sent to me in their original format so that you can get a sense for each of their styles and general recommendations. Hope you enjoy!

Here they are (in no particular order):

“Children thrive on as much consistency, structure and routine as can be reasonably provided. It is important for parents to have regular discussions about their approach to parenting and different situations they encounter in order to ensure they are being consistent.”
~ Sarah Leitschuh, MA, LMFT

“Typically in a two-parent household, it can be difficult for both parents to have equal "weight" when it comes to discipline or decision making. For example a teen that asks dad if they can borrow the car, and dad tells teen to ask mom. Or a mom who tells the seven year old to take space in their room, but they refuse until dad comes to moms "rescue" and tells child to go to take space-and only then does the child listen. When I work with parents, I encourage whichever parent is more of the "heavy" to support and empower the other parent in implementing discipline or making decisions. If the "weight" is not shared between two parents, it can lead to feelings of frustration from both parents. The "heavy" can feel anger and frustration for always having to be the heavy, and the more passive parent can feel anger and frustration from disempowerment. It is important to discuss these feelings, and plan ahead if possible. For example, communicate with each other plans for the weekend so that dad can ok the teen driving the car without telling teen to check with mom, or communicating that dad will not rescue mom when she is disciplining the seven year old.”
~ Emily Gaines, LMFT #79569

“Never express frustration about one another in your child's earshot. Use a shared google account for the calendar just for the purpose of keeping your children's schedules on the same page (and some use a shared email for school/extracurricular communications).”
~ Cathy Canfield, MSW, LCSW, LICSW

“Co-parenting your children is the healthiest way to ease the transition and challenges of divorce. Co-parenting requires each parent to put their differences aside, as a once married couple, and proceed with the common goal of the child's best interest. If each parent is unable to cooperate in such a manner, individual counseling may be necessary so that each are able to disconnect from their own difficulties, as a couple, and communicate for the sake of the children. This does not mean each party has to like one another; however, each party should be able to demonstrate a united front when topics regarding their children arise. I have advised several families to create a private "Google Calendar" where each of them record visitation schedules and events. Children, of reasonable age, may also reference the calendar to increase daily predictability and decrease anxiety regarding parental attendance at functions, holiday routines, etc. It is essential that negative conversations regarding the opposite parent are not conducted around the child. Children love both of their parents; to put down the other in front of them causes emotional damage, confusion, and anxiety. The child may feel as if he needs to take sides, protect one parent, or may interpret the message as something being wrong with him...after all, he is half of the other person. Many times, children internalize a message they may hear about the opposite parent in a negative way. For example, if the mother states, "Your Dad is such a lazy loser," the child may internalize that as, "I am part of my Dad, so I must be a lazy loser, too."
Divorce is traumatic enough for children; keep adult conversations among adults. Watch what is sent back and forth via text message...little hands & curious minds will explore your phone.”
~ Carrie Kemether, LCPC

“One of the biggest tips as for co-parenting is that if you divorce or separate from your child's parent, that other parent will always be in your life. When your child has children, they will be there. Just because the two of you can no longer be together, finding away to be with them in a civilized manner is key. Never say negative or name call your child's parent. It will cause your child identity issues while they go through adolescence.”
~ Karen A Dwyer-Tesoriero LCSW

“If you and your ex can talk civilly, try to attend your child's (children's) school functions at the same time (open house, back to school, conferences, etc). This relieves your child of the pressure to split him/herself between the two of you. If things are still strained between you and your ex, try to at least take turns throughout each event, so your child can enjoy both of you participating, and neither of you feels disconnected from your child's teacher or education. Be sure to meet each new teacher and ask for notices/emails about class and school events. And be sure you keep talk positive and do not discuss disagreements at these events, this would be very upsetting to your child.”
~ Christine Gonzalez MA CDAAC

“It is helpful for both parents to recognize that each home will have different rules and a different structure. Accepting and acknowledging that there will be differences can cut the fighting down. When both parents convey to their children that they need to respect and follow the different rules at each home, the children are less successful at playing their parents against each other.”
~ Natasha Daniels, LCSW

“When it comes to co-parenting, the most valuable tip is to develop a respectful and collegial relationship with the other parent. Unfortunately, this can be the most difficult step. It's also important not to trash talk your child's other parent. This will inevitably backfire as your child begins to resent you for talking poorly about their parent. A very practical tip is to have a shared calendar. This can really alleviate headaches between parents. Custody and parenting plans age-out as children grow older, so it is often worthwhile to revisit custody plans as time passes. Divorce Mediators, such as myself, will help parents develop and revise co-parenting and custody plans, even if they are no longer or do not need a divorce.”
~ Leana Sykes, M.Ed, LPC, MFT

“When parents are going through a divorce or have divorced, they may find it difficult to communicate well with each other. As a result, the urge to use their child(ren) as a messenger may arise. It is best for parents to resist this urge and find a way to communicate directly with each other so that the kids do not feel caught in the middle. Confusion, guilt, and stress can result from being put in the middle. This is only going to add to an already difficult and emotional situation. Taking the extra steps of communication, even if uncomfortable or undesirable, will spare the children from this extra burden and help them to feel safe, loved, and valued by both parents.”
~ Marni Goldberg, LMFT, LPCC

“Work together to establish a family schedule. This schedule is the same at both parents homes. Have weekly scheduled "parent business meetings" . These should be scheduled for 15 minutes weekly. Each parent should add agenda items to a shared list (google doc) during the week. The limited time and pre-set agenda items helps take the emotion out of the conversations. These preset conversations also help each parent be able to communicate to the children when they will ask mom or dad about a specific request. No matter how conflicted your relationship is with each other choose to make affirming statements about the other parent to your child.”
~ Naphtali Roberts, LMFT

“Use kind words with your former partner and about them when your child is present. Children want to protect the "hurt" parent and defend the "evil" parent. Inevitably, they get caught in the middle emotionally. You are no longer together & the schedule is set, so there is no reason to engage in power struggles with your ex. Eliminate criticism & defensiveness from your communication. These things were most likely present at the end of the intimate relationship. When an intimate relationship with kids ends, you have to re-learn how to communicate with your ex "parent to parent" as opposed to "ex to ex." Don't feel guilty! If you felt you wanted to "stay together for the kids" and your partner didn’t want to, it's O.K. There is current research demonstrating that once kids adjust to their new situation, they don't fare any worse than kids from "intact" families when it comes to college stats, adult relationships, and drug or alcohol problems. If you're keeping drama low and teaching your child how to accept change and encouraging relationship maintenance with their other parent, they should be able to focus on their own life as other kids do.”
~ Colleen Mullen, Psy.D., LMFT

Thank you to everyone who participated in this blog and offered their suggestions! I hope you enjoyed reading :)

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Improving Resiliency in Children and Teens

4/27/2015

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I believe that one of the most important things a parent can do for their child is to help them build their resilience. As people, our lives can be challenging and difficult at times and I think that resiliency is the key factor in improving our ability to deal with whatever life might throw our way. As I have suggested in previous blog posts (like last week’s, which is a prequel to this post and can be found here), many of our current society beliefs and norms actually relate to reduced resiliency for all of us. This includes our focus on happiness above all else, the dramatic impact of the mass media in our lives, our general disconnect from each other, and the anxiety created through news coverage of negative event after negative event.

At times when any of us sit back and reflect on our culture, it might seem like there is a dreary future and I definitely relate to that feeling. However, I also see so much positive change and growth in the people I work with and in our culture as a whole. The mindfulness movement, focus on personal growth, and increased acceptance of each other as people lead me to feel more optimistic and hopeful about our ability to change direction and head down emotionally healthier paths.

As many of you know from reading my blogs or knowing me personally, I strongly believe in the influence of language in shaping the way we see the world and ourselves. As such, for this blog, I will focus on specific ways to talk with your child to increase resilience.

The cornerstone in using language to build resilience is to first approach situations with empathy and caring and validate your child’s feelings. Then assist the child/teen in finding a solution to the situation if there is one. If there is not, it can be a great example of a time to change the way we think about the situation to feel or cope better. Another key part in using language to build resilience is through the interpersonal connection of being in the situation together, you want to let the child know that they are not alone and that you can help by providing support or ideas.

Some examples of phrases that promote resiliency are the following:

“There is always a solution”
“When we think about something from many different angles, we can figure out what to do”
“I’m here to help”
“Someone is always there to help”
“Sometimes life is challenging but we learn valuable things from our challenges”
“All feelings are okay and they come and go, even if they don’t feel so good to have them.”
“Sometimes things happen that we do not understand yet.”
“If we can’t figure it out, we can always ask for help.”
“I’m feeling frustrated right now, I feel like taking some deep breaths might help me feel better, can you do it too?”
“If we can’t change the situation, we can always change how we think about it”
“Things will be okay, things will work out”
“You can get through anything”
“You can do anything for a short while”
“I’m always here to talk and to listen”
"You can control the way you react and deal with things”
“I will love you no matter what happens”
“While I know two people were involved, let’s focus on what you can do to improve the situation, rather than on the other person.”
“We can only control ourselves and the way we react/handle things”
“We all have bad days, we just have to keep going and do the best we can”
“We all make mistakes, the best thing to do is try and learn from them”

The key things to try and avoid are doing things that exacerbate your child/teen’s fears or negative reaction to a situation. These are reactions like the following:

Catastrophic Reactions

“This is terrible, we can never figure this out!”
“Nothing will ever get better”

Blaming:

“It’s all that other kids fault”
“He’s such a bully, there’s no point in trying to be nice to him”

All or Nothing Patterns:

“It’s always like that, it will always stay the same”
“Things never work out for our family.”
“It will never get better because something is wrong with you!”
“We have terrible luck.”

These are just some ideas of ways to use language to help your child build their ability to cope with difficult life events and have healthier emotional regulation skills. Please feel free to add your own ideas in the comments!

Thank you for reading!

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Blog: #Cut4Zayn: A Psychologist's Perspective

4/20/2015

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As many of you may know, I was recently interviewed by ABC News to comment on the trend that occurred in response to Zayn leaving the group, One Direction. Fans were cutting themselves and demonstrating their wounds publicly utilizing the hashtag, #Cut4Zayn on social media. Some posts even suggested to others to do the same because then Zayn would come back to the group. (If you did not catch the story and very small role I played, check it out here). Since so much of my interview was cut out from the story, I thought it would be nice to cover this topic in a blog post!

The more that I reflected on this particular scenario and the overall topic of self-harm, the more I felt strongly that instead of posting about more typical topics around cutting (how to stop people from doing it, what to do if your teen is cutting, etc) I wanted to have a discussion of WHY this might be happening so frequently and in such a dramatic, public way. Please keep in mind that this is mainly my opinion, which is based on what I see in my office and in our culture but not on specific, measured, scientific facts necessarily.

This topic also ties in with some of my fundamental beliefs about why people are feeling so stressed, anxious, unhappy, and disconnected because I think many people are cutting for exactly those reasons. While I might come off as entirely elderly during this post, I’m kind of okay with that! As I have gotten older, particularly given the work I do, I have gained such an appreciation for simpler times (which I would categorize my childhood in as I grew up prior to the internet in the 80s).

Here we go! The following is a summary about some factors I see as influencing Americans mental health and leading us to feel generally unhappy, disconnected, anxious, and stressed and which also could lead people into self-harming.

The Happiness Obsession: This is my way of saying that we are all SO focused on being happy all the time that I believe people are losing their ability to understand, accept, and tolerate discomfort and the less pleasant emotions. I covered this topic in another blog post as well (feel free to read that here) but in essence, I think that particularly younger individuals have an expectation of being happy and excited all the time. This is so entirely unrealistic that it is the definition of an unreachable goal but so many people may not realize this, which creates feelings of isolation and anger that THEY are not happy, since everyone else must be. After all, that’s what TV shows (well, happiness or complete and total DRAMA but that’s another topic). This also reduces our capacity to regulate ourselves through less pleasant emotions and situations, which can lead to cutting behavior.

General disconnection through mass media overload: I should preface this section by saying that I generally have a love-hate relationship with the media. While I love some great/terrible reality TV, I am also highly concerned about the impact TV, movies, the Internet, social media have on us as human beings. I believe that our expectations are so driven by what we see on the Internet that they are entirely skewed. I even find myself falling into this trap and thinking, well they have time for that (on my favorite show), why don’t I? While I mediate this thought by reminding myself that I live in reality and not a made-up world on TV, I can imagine how hard that is to do for someone who is younger, less mature, and likely to be less educated about how the media impacts our perceptions.

There is also the factor of how much time we spend connecting with other people in inauthentic ways, such as through social media or even texting. I find it concerning that so many of the teens I work with do not communicate with their friends verbally apart from occasionally at school. Most things are communicated through some sort of electronic source, which I believe reduces our ability to connect in an authentic way where we feel connected and heard by the other person. Plus, anything in writing could be misinterpreted, saved, and even used against someone and as such, many people are less likely to be truly vulnerable in writing. I believe that connection and vulnerability are so important in developing emotional resilience as well as shame resilience and without face-to-face communication, we are all lacking these skills to some extent.

Expectation of Perfection: Failure has somehow become such a dirty word in our culture. The sad thing to me is that so much of our learning comes from our failures and being open enough to try something different but we are all so consumed with being perfect and doing things “right” that we are often afraid to try something new. In many ways I do think our culture has forgotten that it is hard work, failure, and perseverance that drives success, not doing everything right all the time. I see parents often trying to help their children avoid any sense of failure, which unfortunately only leads to them never developing the resiliency to deal with failure and recover from it. This is particularly concerning to me because I do think this is a huge risk factor for self-injury as well. A shame spiral so quickly develops when we feel ashamed for our mistakes and can spin all the way down to being completely worthless, ashamed, and terrible which could certainly lead someone to feel like harming themselves in one way or another.

All of these factors lead to reduced emotional resiliency and regulation skills, which are key factors in developing healthy relationships and coping skills. My next blog will discuss ways to help facilitate resiliency in kids and teens. Stay tuned!

I hope you enjoyed reading this post! Let me know what you think in the comments section or feel free to send me an email.

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Lean In: My personal reflection on being asked to contribute to the news

4/12/2015

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If you would like to check out the video or text version of the news story that I contributed to, please click here!

Until last Wednesday (4/8/15) I had not heard about the recent very alarming trend of fans of One Direction cutting themselves in response to Zayn’s departure from the group. I was shocked to hear this and even more shocked to hear this on my voicemail from a local ABC news reporter asking for me to comment as a child psychologist… My initial reaction was actually something along the lines of being terrified. Terrified that I would let my fear get in the way of an amazing opportunity to have my voice heard in the field. Terrified that my voice was not quite good enough to be heard at all. Terrified that I would say yes but terrified that I would say no. What a mix of emotions!

When I decided to launch my solo private practice at the end of 2014, I told myself that I would do things that were scary and just “lean in” to them. While I am a very social person now, I was very shy as a child and I still tend to shy away from new things and avoid situations that cause me discomfort… Like talking to new people, posting blogs, putting my thoughts and opinions out there for people to possibly critique, public speaking is certainly on the list! I’ve been following the mantra of “just say yes” for the past few months, which is certainly working well in making some amazing new personal and professional connections and growing my business. Though other events and situations have challenged me to step outside of my comfort zone, this is the first time that I feel that I have been really put to the test. Sitting there on Wednesday, I was so tempted to just ignore the call, call the reporter back the next day (which would likely to be too late), or to make up a million excuses as to why I just CAN’T possibly be the person he was looking for. Oh, did I mention, I tend to underestimate myself? Despite this flurry of emotion and insecurity, the important part that I want to share is that I was able to lean into my discomfort, complete the interview, and was actually quoted in the 11:00 news!

The interesting part of the whole experience is that I was such a mix of emotion: disbelief (me? Are you sure you want me?), excitement and pride (the news!), and continued anxiety and fear that I would somehow be misquoted or look ridiculous. This experience provided me with such a great opportunity not only to face some of my fears (am I good enough? My voice sounds like a child! People will laugh and critique me behind my back!) but to also work through some of my perfectionism. I knew that if I agreed to do the interview I would have ZERO control over the content chosen or how exactly it was put together. That is pretty tough for me as a controlling perfectionist but I felt the outcome was worth the risk. I spent the evening waiting for the news thinking of many things that could go wrong as well as just feeling so proud of myself for my ability to engage in something that was terrifying on so many very deep levels.

When I finally saw the news clip, it was so brief and cut down that it was a slight bit of a letdown but still very exciting! Do I love the quotes taken from my 10-15 minutes of comments, not really. However, I know that my thoughts about it are likely very different from others and am working hard not to critique anything about how it came out but to just focus on my excitement about the experience and building my professional confidence. With that approach and years of working through my insecurities, I am feeling confident and proud as I sit and reflect on this experience. It’s truly amazing to see that when we allow ourselves to flourish and really LEAN into our discomfort, the discomfort can start to fall away and amazing things happen.

My question this week to any of you would be this: how can you lean into something this week? How can you push yourself to say yes to your discomfort?

Thanks for reading! Keep an eye out for my next blog post in this series, which will talk more specifically about the topic of self-injury, partially in the context of this One Direction incident.

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Guest Blog Post: Building Your Child's Feelings Vocabulary by Sarah Leitschuh, MA, LMFT

4/6/2015

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I'm excited to launch my first (of hopefully many!) guest blogs! Sarah and I connected through an online therapist group and when I saw this blog, I felt like it was the perfect launch for guest blogs for my website! She is a fantastic therapist and works in similar capacities as I do and this post includes some really helpful information about how to increase your child's vocabulary around emotion. Sarah's information is at the bottom of the post if you would like to read more of her blogs!

Building Your Child's Feelings Vocabulary by Sarah Leitschuh, MA, LMFT

I often talk to parents about being open to having their children express their emotions (feelings) through means other than words. Art, music and play are just a few of the powerful ways in which children communicate and share their emotions with us. I have learned so much about how children understand the world by just playing with them. Having said that, there are many reasons why it is valuable to help children build a feelings vocabulary and comfort in discussing their emotions.

The Benefits of Building Your Child’s Feelings Vocabulary

When children are able to identify their emotions, they can more effectively ask for help when they are experiencing an overwhelming emotion.
Being able to speak about their own emotions helps children in their relationships with others because they are better able to communicate and engage in conflict resolution.
Being able to identify one’s own emotions is the first step in being able to develop empathy for others.

How Do We Help Children Build a Strong Feelings Vocabulary?

Short answer: We help children develop a feelings vocabulary by incorporating discussion about emotions into our daily interactions with them.

Longer Answer: (Including some ideas to try!)
We help children develop a feelings vocabulary by frequently exposing them to discussions of emotions. There are many ways that we can incorporate discussion of emotions into our daily interactions. Here are some possibilities to consider:

Discuss emotions that you and your child experience though out the day. As adults, we should be thoughtful about what personal emotions we share with our children. It is important for children to learn that a range of emotions is normal, but we also do not want them to feel burdened.
Reflect back on the day and have a feelings “check in” at dinner or bed time. Consider using a feelings chart or feelings wheel to help with the check in. There are many free varieties that can be found with a Google search and then you can choose the option that would most appeal to your child.
Offer empathy for others. Help your child begin to understand the situations and emotions that others may be experiencing, again without burdening the child.
Discuss the emotions that the characters in your child’s favorite book, game or television show may be experiencing.
Read books specifically about emotions. Click here to link to a site that provides suggested reading material for children about challenging emotions and situations.
Create activities based on your child’s interests that incorporates more directive exploration of emotions. For example, some children may enjoy playing “Feelings Charades” and others may enjoy creating a feelings book.

Do you have other ideas that you use to help children build their feelings vocabulary? If so, feel free to share your ideas in the comment section.

About Sarah:

If you would like additional support or ideas to use in helping to build your child’s feelings vocabulary please feel free to contact me at sarah@sarahleitschuhcounseling.com.

Sarah Leitschuh is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who practices in Eagan, Minnesota. Sarah provides therapy for children, adolescents and their families. Sarah has developed and offered a number of workshops for parents/caregivers. If you would like to learn more about the services that Sarah provides please visit www.sarahleitschuhcounseling.com.

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Parenting Blog #3: Where are you going? Tools to help you consider your child's future in your parenting choices

3/30/2015

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Often when I am working with parents we think and talk a lot about what is going on RIGHT NOW. Usually that is because many of the parents are coming to me for help because they are struggling to know what to do with their child, for a multitude of reasons. We then work on different strategies that can prevent the issues the family is having and ways to react when those issues do come up to be most effective as parents.

My interventions usually incorporate these steps
1.     Increase structure and boundaries in the family
2.     Provide appropriate consequences and rewards
3.     Build communication between parents and child
4.     Increase understanding of the child’s needs and particular areas of skill deficit.

The approach that I take is firm yet compassionate towards the child and conceptualizing many of the challenges they experience as a skills deficit, rather than a character deficit. Often, the kids are just as unhappy at the way things are going as the parents are! I repeat as this is often missed, the kids do not like the way things are going either but just don’t know how to be more effective in the way they interact and cope with the world.

This particular component of my approach is key. I think it is very important for all of us to recognize the fact that we will most certainly fail sometimes and make lots of mistakes. That includes the kids and teens in our lives. They are human and will totally screw things up sometimes. As the adults in the situation, our job is to help them recognize the mistake, understand that mistakes are normal and not the end of the world, and walk them through the steps to do better next time. I think often we get caught up in the idea of always doing our best and that this must mean that we are perfect in that moment. People can be 100% doing their best but still totally mess up or not do what they know they SHOULD be doing and this does not mean they are not trying. It just means they are human and there is a lot of space between knowing how to do something and actually doing it. Typically, I see this space as ambivalence and work with people in a particular way so as to help them resolve their ambivalence and take steps towards change.

So, back to the topic at hand today. Do you know where you are going? I like to help parents think about what their choices will mean for their child’s future. For example, if you decide to give in when your child complains about a consequence, consider what this teaches them and if it is teaching them the skills you would like them to learn. Consider, what lesson are you teaching by giving in? What will happen the next time you give a consequence if you go this route in parenting? Are these the parenting decisions that will lead to your children being effective, productive, and compassionate members of society when they are adults?

These questions are so important as they help put things in context. I think it can be extraordinarily helpful to always try to consider the future and take the emotions out of some of the parenting choices you might make. Perhaps you can sit down with your partner or just with yourself and really think about what you want for your child in 5, 10, 15 years and how your choices can help them get there. The following steps and examples might help you identify some areas you would like to make changes in or just help you start thinking in this way and brainstorming your own ideas!

1. Set goals for your child (not specific goals but general life goals are usually best to focus on). Some examples include:

Being able to be successful in a job/career
Having happy and healthy relationships with a significant other

2. Think about what skills your child needs in order to accomplish their goals. Some examples include:

Understanding cause and effect (breaking rules will have consequences at work too!)
Ability to be responsible
Being patient with other people and understanding their needs too
Showing up (emotionally and physically)
Engaging in the world we live in (not just the one on our screens!)
Persistence, hard work, or "grit"

3. Consider what you can do as a parent to help your child accomplish these goals… this might include the following:

Model patience in the way you interact with people in front of them as well as manage your frustrations effectively around them
Apologize when you are wrong and not showing them this is the end of the world. We all need to own our stuff and our mistakes!
Give consequences – we need consequences to understand boundaries as well as cause and effect principles
Be really present for your child – ask them how their day was and really listen and try to engage them in a conversation about it, put down your phone, turn off the TV, etc. Just be there with them and hang out with them doing whatever it is they want to do sometimes. This way they understand how to connect without all of the technology and hopefully will talk to you about the important stuff after you’ve spent time investing in all the things that are seen as less important to adults (but not to kids!).
Give them responsibilities – chores, jobs around the house, jobs in your business
Model helpful ways to cope with failure - continuing to try to attain goal, working on strategies to change outcome, etc.

These are just some examples to get you started on thinking about how you parent and what you are modeling and teaching your child through your actions. So often, we can change a lot in our families and our child’s behavior simply by changing our own actions!

I’d love to hear how you are implementing these ideas or your thoughts about them! Feel free to comment on the website or follow me on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest!

Thanks for reading!

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"You're not broken, you're human." Working through disappointment and unrealistic expectations

3/23/2015

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“You’re not broken, you’re human.”

I was reading through a wedding planning book this past weekend and came across this quote: you’re not broken, you’re human. It was in the context of discussing the disappointment we experience when our expectations do not match the reality of our situation, particularly with weddings. This quote really resonated with me, because I think so many of us have piles of unrealistic expectations and ideas of what life “should” be like that make us feel that our lives do not match up to some preset ideal. So often we feel broken or wrong in some way because we do not match society, our friends, the ideals in movies or TV, or our families view of what life should be like.

Expectations are a common topic in my office with my clients because often our unrealistic expectations lead to unpleasant emotions and relationship conflict. Big events and topics such as marriage, relationships in general, having children, careers, etc. seem to be areas where we judge ourselves the most harshly by others’ expectations and standards. I believe that this has a lot to do with how much we are told by others what things need to be like in order to be successful, happy, the best, etc. While some of these messages certainly come from our families, friends, and messages we heard throughout our childhood, they also come from what we witness in the media. The media seems to infiltrate everything about our lives and is just so easily accessible for people to use it as a point of comparison. There is an entire industry around getting people to believe that they need more things, beauty, money, etc. in order to be truly happy, beautiful, and worthy. While I appreciate our culture, I think that the consumerism that we are all exposed to has a dramatically negative impact on our mental health and overall well-being.

Another huge area that I find people experience a lot of feelings of unworthiness, judgment, and self-criticism is when our expectation of how we think we “should” feel in certain situations does not match how we actually do feel. For example, one of the most confusing times for people is when they have conflicting or uncertain feelings about big life events such as graduation, a promotion at work, having a child, a relationship, retirement, etc. Many people seem to think that these events only will come with positive or happy feelings. Then when they begin feeling other feelings, uncertainty, anxiety, fear, upset, sadness – the conclusion is that they are somehow defective and wrong in the way they feel. The reality is that there is nothing wrong with feeling however you feel in a given situation. Our feelings are what they are and they often can be surprising and different than expected. Once we stop shaming ourselves about them, we can use them more effectively as cues to our environment and lives.

I still remember one of the most difficult transitions in my life, graduating from graduate school. I remember that most of the people around me assumed that I was excited and happy but the reality was that I was totally freaked out about the next steps in my life. Even as a psychologist, it felt uncomfortable to have others assume what my feelings were and then to either go along with it or correct them. It’s hard to tell people we are not feeling what we are “supposed” to feel! I think it is important for all of us to take stock of the fact that there are no right or wrong feelings in a given situation, there are just feelings. Some may be unexpected but they are all there to help us learn something, even if they are uncomfortable or unwelcome to us.

Often I find that our expectations serve as ways we attempt to make a complicated world simpler. Unfortunately, this only alienates us further from ourselves and can shame us for experiencing the world in the way that we do. Learning to untangle our internal values, feelings, expectations, and preferences from what we have internalized from others is an important skill to begin developing. Re-defining our expectations is something that I work with my therapy clients towards and can benefit all of us dramatically. A fantastic step is simply to acknowledge what you are experiencing and that it is a disappointment related to unrealistic expectations.

Tips in working through unexpected emotions and managing expectations:

Acknowledge your emotion or your experience as it is as well as identify how it is not living up to your expectations.
Try to evaluate what the expectation could be related to in your life. This is typically a fear or doubt that relates to our self-worth. For example, when I was feeling like I “should” have been excited about graduating rather than nervous and downright terrified, this related to a lot of doubt about my ability to sustain my career and be financially successful. This could also be something about what others have done that we assumed was the “right” way (Ex: I’m having kids because my parents did and other people do).
Once you understand where your expectation comes from you can evaluate if it is an expectation you want to hold for yourself and if it fits with your value system.
Once you understand and can identify the feeling you are having, invite it in and try to understand what it is there to show or teach you.

Remember: Fear, anxiety, uncertainty, discomfort, sadness are necessary parts of change, even positive change. Lean into these feelings! You will be amazed at what will happen when you stop allowing discomfort to guide your choices and decisions. It can be so empowering!

The most important point of this blog is to remember that there are no hard and fast rules in life. As much as we want to make rules to organize ourselves (this is what we are programmed to do!), life can really be anything we want it to be and it does not need to match up to preconceived ideas. If we can surrender to this and let go of some of our expectations, I think many of us would experience less disappointment and more overall life satisfaction. Just remember that when your life, experience, or feelings is not measuring up to your expectations that you are not broken, you are simply human.

(The book referenced is a fantastic reality based wedding planning book called:
A Practical Wedding: Creative Ideas for Planning a Beautiful, Affordable, and Meaningful Celebration and can easily be found on Amazon).

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You Can Take A Break!

3/9/2015

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So it’s Monday evening and I realized that I had not done my blog for the week. I even began this blog (in an initial draft) by saying that my post is a little late! Then I reflected on the reasons why I feel this way and mostly it is my own expectations that I have set for myself. In beginning a new business, I have lots of weekly goals and expectations for myself and overall, they help keep things structured and keep me motivated. (One of which includes doing a blog on Mondays). However, I also can end up feeling as if I am never doing enough if I do not meet or exceed my own expectations each week. This strong work ethic is the reason why I tend to be successful in school and work but sometimes it certainly does get in my way when the expectations become more unrealistic. Sometimes I find myself adding a lot of pressure to always do more and more and more. Owning my own business has really exacerbated this tendency. So much so that I find myself working as much as possible, even when it might not be needed or productive and I might need a break.

Interestingly enough, as a psychologist, I also fundamentally believe in the need for balance. One of the biggest lessons of graduate school was the benefit of leading a balanced life. I know this sounds a bit odd because graduate school is certainly a stressful time for most people. For me though, it was a time to really dig in and reflect on what works in my life to maintain balance and my own emotional health. This is so important and often referred to as “self-care” in our field. I believe that it is crucial for anyone, but particularly those in a helping profession, to figure out what they need to operate as their best selves. If we do not do this, we truly can’t be as effective in how we help others. For me, my self-care usually involves some time for pleasure reading, walks by the beach, time with my loved ones, and cooking.

While I was reflecting on my week last week, I recognized my need to slow things down and regain the balance that I usually have in my life. I have certain warning signs that tell me that my life is a bit out of balance. Sometimes I notice that I am working more. Sometimes I notice that I am neglecting to see my friends and loved ones. I usually start feeling more fatigued and just worn out. And recently one of my signs has been that I am always either doing something for my business or towards planning my wedding! And yes, while my recent engagement is beyond thrilling, it has certainly disrupted the balance I have been seeking and sometimes even found in the past few months as a new business owner! All my constant researching, looking things up, and planning (for business and the wedding) left me feeling more worn out and less motivated to work on my smaller goals with marketing, networking, and administrative tasks. Luckily, I do not feel worn out from my work with my clients as I truly love what I do!

When I noticed that I was running on empty, I set a whole new goal for myself. Don’t worry, it’s not another unrealistic perfectionist goal though. My goal for the weekend was to take the weekend off from work (apart from client contact when needed of course). When I found myself and my energy wandering back to my work, I simply redirected it in another direction and added whatever I was thinking I “should” do to my to do list for this week while keeping realistic expectations.

I found this to be extremely helpful to recharge my batteries and reclaim some balance. One of the most rewarding experiences for me is when I allow myself to take a step back, re-evaluate my needs and current situation, and take action on it! Today, I woke up feeling refreshed and more energized than I was last week, which was so worth putting my perfectionistic side of myself on the shelf for the weekend.

I have a few take away pointers from this experience that might help you work on achieving balance.
It’s okay to take a break, even when you have a lot going on in your life. Recharging your batteries is more important than almost anything else!
Allow yourself the time to reflect on how things are going in your life. This is where it is really important to let yourself have some quiet and solitude to really reflect and get in touch with how you are doing.
Reflect on how you are spending your time and if it is reflecting your needs and values.
Having a self-care plan that you can use consistently and work into your daily routine can be really helpful.
Even really happy and exciting things can be draining so you might need to step away from it from time to time.
When you are a person who is hard on himself/herself (like me!), sometimes enough will never be enough in your head. This means you have to gauge “enough” by more than just completing a to-do list because your expectations and to-do list items will be impossible and unrealistic.
Contrary to what I seem to illogically and irrationally think - the world did not fall apart, my business did not end, and nothing on my to-do list was tragically dropped because I took a break. All in all, things improved because of it!

Thanks for reading! I hope this post can inspire others to work on how they define "enough" in work and life and increase their self-care!

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Parenting Blog #2: Co-parenting

3/2/2015

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A large part of the work that I do with families and parents is working with people to improve their co-parenting. This is a topic that comes up frequently with almost all parents, not just those going through divorce or separation. For married couples, the issues center around the parents struggling to agree on what is best for their child/children. Typically, both parents are trying to do the best that they can to help their child, have very different ideas of what the “right” decisions are, and struggle to compromise in these areas because they are so committed to their child’s well-being. These issues become even more complicated during times of transition, separation, and divorce. Parents who present for co-parenting support following or during a divorce are generally much more emotionally raw and vulnerable due to the relationship issues they have been facing. This can make it very hard to receive and integrate feedback about almost anything, but particularly parenting because it is an area that brings up insecurities for a lot of people.

Most of the parents I work with feel that they are failing as a parent. This makes it challenging to hear feedback about their parenting because they are already primed in their heads to think that they are just a terrible parent! Therefore, anyone who is asking for support and help deserves respect just for taking such a difficult leap. I believe that it is very brave to talk to a professional about any areas you feel you are having challenges in, particularly parenting. Though parent consultation can be a very vulnerable process, it can also be very rewarding when you work with a therapist who helps you change your parenting style to improve your family situation.

The following tips are strategies and suggestions to help parents who are entering into parent consultation gain as much as possible from the experience.

Listen and Reflect: Try to just hear what the other person is trying to communicate to you, without defensiveness or instant judgment (of yourself or anyone else). Be curious about what they are saying by asking yourself some key questions: Could what they are saying be true? Could it be helpful to try doing something different? Is what you are doing working? Do they truly seem to understand your situation and have experience or expertise that makes it likely they can help?
Express Yourself: In parenting work with individuals and couples, it is SO important that you share your opinions and beliefs. I always tell my clients, if you do not agree, say so and let’s figure out another way to do things! There are usually a lot of solutions to help families/parents and the process of working on parenting can be very collaborative and rewarding if you are able to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be Patient: The issues that led to you seeking parenting help did not come up overnight (typically) and they will take some time to resolve. Unfortunately, there are not many quick fixes for parenting and discipline issues and it takes time to set up new patterns in a family.
Focus on What You Can Change: Basically, there are some things that are impossible (or really difficult) to change such as basic personality traits and the mismatch of personalities that sometimes happens within a family. However, there are a whole host of things that you can try to work on such as communication style, coping skills, structure of the family life, etc. This is good news because it means that there are changes you can make that will likely benefit your family! Focus on the outcome of the changes (that it might make things better) rather than on the fact that you feel you were doing everything “wrong” before. Kids do not come with instruction manuals so it is impossible to know what the “right” things are all the time.
Go Easy on Yourself: Parents are extraordinarily hard on themselves about parenting. Again, kids do not come with a manual and NO ONE always knows that they are doing the “right” things as a parent. This is an area that automatically brings up insecurities so try your best to focus on the fact that you are trying. Some days that’s all you can do!

The above tips will hopefully help you to engage in the parent consultation process and can make it a little less challenging.

Now let’s move onto some co-parenting tips. Remember these apply to any people raising children together (married, divorced, remarried, etc.) though some apply more to high conflict marriages or divorce.

Talk to your child positively about the other people involved in your family. Try to avoid negativity about the other people involved with your child – this can even include professionals such as teachers, schools, tutors, and coaches. This will help provide a unified front to your child which is really important to reduce their ability to play different parents (or parents and teachers, schools, coaches) against each other (which by the way almost all children try to do!).
Try to be consistent. Please notice I said try. No one is able to be consistent 100% of the time because that is not really human, that is more like robots! Just try to be consistent in that if you make a promise, try to keep it. Your child needs to know you keep your word and that they can rely on what you say. Also, try to be consistent with the other parents involved – the more you can have unified expectations, values, and consequences the easier everything will be particularly if the child transitions between homes.
Be mindful of what your current struggles are and your motives in sharing information with your child. For example, if you are struggling with divorce or even just arguments with your significant other, please try not to bring your child into the middle, ask them to choose parents, speak to them about the other negatively, or over share about the situation. This one is really hard in high conflict divorce situations where you may feel misrepresented by the other parent. However you view the situation, please shelter your child from the ugliness that sometimes happens between adults. I often hear from parents that they want to be “honest” about everything that happened and while I understand that, remember that honesty about affairs and other marital issues does not benefit the children. The motive for most people when sharing this type of information is selfish in nature.
Do not assign fault to the divorce or the arguments. Venting should not happen with your child but with your friends or other supports in your life. It helps to assist your child in seeing that arguments and difficulties in relationships are the responsibility of both people involved rather than making the other parent(s) out to be the bad guys. This will help your child to take accountability for their part in relationship challenges also. Never divulge information the child does not need to know and that will damage their relationship with the other people involved in their lives.
Avoid arguments in front of your child. Again, this goes for couples who are still married or those who are divorced. Research shows that conflict predicts negative outcomes for children, regardless of marital status. Additionally, many of the children I work with express concerns that if their parents argue, they will get divorced. If you are having a hard time delaying arguments until the child is not around, please seek out professional help to help you with your communication patterns and relationship.
Listen to your child. This is so important in any family. Particularly if your family is going through a transition, separation, or divorce you need to give your child time and space to share with you what they think and how they feel about the situation. While this does not mean you have to “fix” everything they are concerned about, you can still be there for them to validate their feelings and let them know you are there for them. For example, it is okay as a parent to hear your child’s disappointment that you and their father are fighting often and say, “I know that must be hard for you. It sounds like you feel scared when we fight and we can both try our best to work on not fighting as much.” But it’s also okay to tell them, “I know that you want mom and dad to get back together, that makes sense that you want that but I just don’t think that is going to happen right now. I know it’s hard, it’s hard on us too but eventually we will get used to this. No matter what though, I will always love you and be here for you.”

Those are some of my basic co-parenting suggestions for situations that come up most often in my practice. Please feel free to add your own to my list! Just remember, no one has parenting all figured out but the most important thing is that you are trying your best with the information you have!

Thanks for reading!

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Top Quotes to Help During Times of Transition, Change, and Struggle

2/22/2015

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Top Quotes to Help During Times of Transition, Change, and Struggle

As many of you know, my private practice is a relatively new professional development for me and it has certainly been an amazing, inspiring whirlwind. With any new beginning, even ones that we recognize as necessary and positive in our lives, all kinds of emotions are stirred up. For me, putting myself as a therapist “out there” has been a challenge and stirs up a lot of my fears and vulnerabilities.

This post is inspired by my recent relocation of my private practice office as well as the exciting, tumultuous, intimidating, inspiring, and scary time of starting a new endeavor. I tend to really appreciate language and enjoy reading and using quotes to help me reframe my mindset so I have put together a list of my favorites to share.

Here are my Top Quotes for Times of Transition, Change, and Struggle:

“When we make a change, it’s so easy to interpret our unsettledness as unhappiness, and our unhappiness as a result of having made the wrong decision. Our mental and emotional states fluctuate madly when we make big changes in our lives, and some days we could tight-rope across Manhattan, and other days we are too weary to clean our teeth. This is normal. This is natural. This is change.” – Jeanette Winterson

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” – Jack Canfield
“One small crack does not mean that you are broken, it means that you were put to the test and you didn’t fall apart.” – Linda Poindexter
“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.” – Unknown
“Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place.” – Unknown
“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” – Pema Chodron
“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go. They merely determine where you start.” – Nido Qubein
“Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best.” - Unknown
“If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try.” – Seth Godin
“When you face difficult times, know that challenges are not sent to destroy you. They’re sent to promote, increase, and strengthen you.” – Spiritual Inspiration
“She was unstoppable not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them.” – Beau Taplin
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill
“What feels like the end is often the beginning.” – Unknown
“It’s a process, it’s a process, it’s a process; change takes time.” – Unknown
“Sometimes our lives have to be completely shaken up, changed, & rearranged to relocate us to the place we’re meant to be.” Quotes ‘n Thoughts (pinterest)
“Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness.” – Caroline Myss
“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” – Madeline L’Engle
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” – Elizabeth Kubler Ross
“I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Jung
“An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it’s going to launch you into something great.” – Unknown
“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” – Sigmund Freud
“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” - Unknown

Thanks for reading as always! If you want to add to my list of quotes, please feel free to share in the comments!

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Hi everyone! I am excited to add a blog section to my site where I will be able to share with you some more information about me, helpful tips, and support. As you know from the rest of my website, I work with children, teens, and adults and as such, the topics will vary pretty widely.

Thank you for reading!

Co-Parenting Blog Part Two - Tips from professionals around the country

Improving Resiliency in Children and Teens

Blog: #Cut4Zayn: A Psychologist's Perspective

Lean In: My personal reflection on being asked to contribute to the news

If you would like to check out the video or text version of the news story that I contributed to, please click here!

Guest Blog Post: Building Your Child's Feelings Vocabulary by Sarah Leitschuh, MA, LMFT

Building Your Child's Feelings Vocabulary by Sarah Leitschuh, MA, LMFT

About Sarah:

Parenting Blog #3: Where are you going? Tools to help you consider your child's future in your parenting choices

"You're not broken, you're human." Working through disappointment and unrealistic expectations

You Can Take A Break!

Parenting Blog #2: Co-parenting

Top Quotes to Help During Times of Transition, Change, and Struggle

Top Quotes to Help During Times of Transition, Change, and Struggle

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